We All Believe in You

…we do…we really do. But I didn’t know that until now. Until a fabulous human being named Blake Loates told me so.

A few months ago I volunteered for a “project.” I say project loosely because as Blake says, a project has an end, and this definitely doesn’t.

Blake was reaching out and bringing mental health to the spot light. She was making it known and she was getting loud with it. She was bringing her camera to the table and photographing those that have suffered in silence for too long.

I would be lying if I wasn’t scared to death to put my hand up. This could mean so many things. Could it affect my job? Would it affect personal relationships? What could possibly come of this?

So many things went through my head, and then I said, it can’t hurt to try. So I met Blake at her studio. She sat me down and told me this wasn’t a sad project. This was something to capture who I was through her lens. So I sat there. And I thought. And then I laughed. That truly is who I am. If you know me and have ever heard me laugh, it’s truly who I am. My friends call it my burst, because let’s get real, it really is a burst of laughter. Blake captured exactly who I was. Although I suffer, I still smile. And that is exactly what I needed to see.

So I told Blake my story, and was asked to summarize into 500 words or less. I sat at my computer and struggled as to where to start. I have no idea when I first started to have this in my life. I think I knew, but there was just so much more to it. More than 500 words that’s for sure. But I wrote down what I thought it was, where I thought it all began and where I am now. When I attended the event We All Believe in You at the Alberta Art Gallery I read everyone’s stories. I wiped away tears and kept reading. All that kept going through my head was, holy man these people are just like me. They have gone through things just like me. And they are here today celebrating that they made it. I felt like a huge part of something so incredible.

And that brings me to today. I posted on Instagram that I put on my big girl pants, put my face and story on a wall and it was liberating. Well shortly after that my inbox was full, I received heartwarming comments and I was completely wrapped in love, especially from my husband.

Anyway, I decided 500 words didn’t tell my entire story, and since people are asking for more, I am going to tell it. Please know, this isn’t easy for me. But that’s the point right? It should be. People don’t hide when they have a headache. Why is this any different?

In 2007 I ended a very long and unhealthy relationship. I was in a very unsafe place. I remember literally crawling to my Mom and resting my head on her lap and saying, “I’m not o.k. I need help.” This is my first memory of dealing with depression.

We went to dr. after dr. looking for someone to talk to. Some put me on waiting lists and others just flat out asked me if I had plans on harming myself. If the answer was NO, which it was, then I wasn’t a priority. This came as a shock to me; it was so incredibly discouraging. So I took a huge step and I moved 6 hours away, on my own, with no one. A fresh start and hopefully a huge step in the right direction.

From 2007 until 2013 life was fine, actually more than fine.  I was out here in the big city of Edmonton making a new life for myself. I had a fabulous job as a Manager at TD where I ended up managing one of the busiest branches in the city. I had made the most amazing friends. I even met the man of my dreams and married him. I also started photography in 2009 which took off bigger and faster than I had ever imagined. Life was good. I felt at peace with my choice of leaving Medicine Hat. Of course times were hard here and there. I missed my family like crazy, but went home often. But I knew I had made the right choice making a change for myself.

Fast forward to 2013 when I brought my little man, Mason, into the world. He definitely came in with a bang, but I won’t go into that now you can read all about that over HERE. He changed my life in so many incredible ways, and I have never been the same. But becoming a mom didn’t make me feel like I expected it would. I was not one of those moms that had that magical overwhelming moment when I first saw him. I didn’t cry. I didn’t naturally fall head over heels with my brand new baby boy. In fact, it was months later that I finally told my husband, “I don’t think I love him like I should”. I’m sure you can imagine how hard that was to say out loud. Did I ever get help for postpartum depression or even confirmed that I was depressed? No, I didn’t. It’s probably the biggest regret I have. I felt embarrassed about how I felt. I mean this was my child that I wanted, that I birthed. That I was supposed to love unconditionally and yet I didn’t. I ruined relationships within my family and friends because I felt so up and down, so alone, so misunderstood.  I was too ashamed to put a label on any of it.

But as time went on I realized I wasn’t just down any more. It was something else. Something that was affecting my everyday tasks and holding me back. It’s that big bad word ANXIETY. People tell you bringing a child into the world will change you. But you truly cannot know until you are there. Not because of everything physically you will go through but emotionally and mentally too.

I was a mess. I was anxious all the time. I literally did not sleep for the entire first year of his life. I checked on him over and over throughout the night and placed my hand on his chest to make sure he was still breathing. Is it too hot in the car? Is he too cold? Will he choke? What if he cries? Oh dear God SIDS is the most awful thing in the world. Everything and anything you can imagine, I thought. When I say I was anxious, it wasn’t just your everyday worrying. It was over the top; I cannot do this what the hell was I thinking bringing a child into this world anxiety. The thoughts that would constantly, and still do, run through my head were absolutely insane. The amount of times I have pictured my child dying a horrific death is absurd. Picturing him no longer being alive when I walk into his room in the morning. Or imagining him getting hit by a car when he’s off with friends or relatives. The most insane things went through my head. Which would then just bring on more anxiety and panic attacks. It was a never ending viscous circle of drowning in myself. Drowning in my own head and my own made up fear. It was the most terrible feeling in the world and I would never wish it on anyone.

Nobody truly talks openly about the struggles of having a child. I felt isolated, and like I was completely failing.  I managed to get through this with the incredible support from my husband, but I still deal with overwhelming anxiety every single day. Not only am I navigating the waters of raising a child, I have a constant battle to keep my anxiety under control. I have always been claustrophobic and this is the best way I can explain how living with anxiety feels. The smallest tasks can be so overwhelming. The simplest things going wrong can mean the end of the world and ruin a fabulous day. It is like my chest is just caving in and there is no explanation. It is hard on me and hard on those around me. It is something I struggle with and work on every single day.

It’s hard to feel so alone and so different when the rest of the world seems like they have it all together. But I’m learning that it is more common than we truly know. I look forward to a day when mental health is talked about more openly and freely. When there is a feeling of acceptance and support for people who feel like I do. And when people who struggle no longer feel judged or different.

That, is my story. My last 3 or so years have been rough on me. I feel like not only was I finding my way as a new Mom but I was figuring out who I was all over again.

Now one thing that I thought about over and over when being open and public about this was my job. Photography is my life. Reading all of this you would think I wouldn’t be able to handle being a wedding photographer at all. I mean the days are hectic and fast and busy. They are one of the most important days of a person’s life and all of that was on my shoulders. I have come to the conclusion that weddings are my release.  That is the only way I can put it. I have never been shooting a wedding and felt anxious or out of control. I feel like it is the one place that I am so in my element that anything is possible. Only great things come from weddings. I guess you could say it’s my happy crazy calm place.

Anyway, I want to end this by saying a few things.

One, thank you for reading it. I know it’s a long one and I apologize if it isn’t proper grammar. I literally sat down with some music on and wrote. I didn’t think, I just wrote.

Two, Blake Loates, the amazing human being has changed my life. I brought my husband with me to the event she put on and we walked away hand in hand with a better understanding of one another.  A common ground that this is OK and this is far more normal that we could ever have known. Seeing my email explode and having people completely open up to me immediately after the event was intense and all sorts of amazing. And it’s all because of Miss Blake.

We love you…and Blake…WE ALL BELIEVE IN YOU!!!

XO

Nicole