Did you know there’s such thing as kind of pregnant?

Ya…me neither. But here is a look at the last few months of our lives.

In the last 7 months I have lost a set of twins at 10 weeks. You can read more about that HERE

I had a chemical pregnancy. Seriously what a messed up thing. Oh heeeeeey, you’re pregnant….just kidding, only for like a minute!!!!

And now, Feb 16, a blighted ovum  (anembryonic pregnancy). So flipping confusing. I’m pregnant…but not with a baby, just a sac. So all the pregnancy symptoms are there but no baby to show for it. I will never forget seeing absolutely nothing on the screen of our ultra sound. How confusing and frustrating and awful.

Yup, all of that in just 7 months.

You know how they say a sick pregnancy is a healthy pregnancy. Im going to ahead and say that is not the case. I was healthy and happy as could be when I got pregnant with Mason. Glowing. Smiling ear to ear for 39 weeks. It was the happiest year of my life. But all of these pregnancies (losses) above have been awful. Gained weight. Huge bloating. Made my skin look like pizza. Puking. Nauseous all the time. Sleeping all day and up all night. I was a mess. But I convinced myself that the pregnancy had to be moving along to make me sick right!? Or…was it that these babies were struggling so hard to stay alive.

I cannot even tell you what our lives have been like. We have now been trying to have another baby for almost 3 years. Now that might not seem that long and I personally know a lot of people who have tried for longer but when you are in it, it is eternity. But let’s just put this into perspective. That is 36 (ish) times that we had hoped for a missed period. That is 36 (ish) times that have ended in tears and disappointment. That is 36 (ish) months of forcefully trying to add to our family. Because let’s face it, it isn’t for fun anymore. Not to mention all of the poking and prodding. All of the doctors appointments. All of the physicals. Hsg tests. Fertility meds. D&C. Complications. And now medicine to force my body to miscarry. Oh  and then there is the mental taxation it takes on a person (and a relationship) as well as the physical. I’ve gained roughly 5 pounds each  treatment I’ve done. So that’s a good 15-20 awesome pounds right there. What a feeling it is to be gaining weight trying to make a baby only to continue to fail. My biggest fear is running into someone and have them think I’m pregnant when actually I’ve just been putting my body through hell trying so damn hard to get pregnant.

Now being the Virgo that I am I really thought this was it. This was the one. This was my baby. Meant to be. For our family. The dates lined up that Mason wasn’t “too old” (yes this is such a worry of mine). My wedding season would be over (well almost). I would have the whole winter off to enjoy the new addition.  There was also something really special about the dates. My brothers  birthday is June 6. Masons birthday is June 8. My birthday is Sept 22 and this baby would’ve been due Sept 15. Now that means my kids would’ve been the exact same years and months apart as me and my brother. Exact!!  Almost to the day! How special would that have been to be exactly like my Mom.

Am I bitter. Hell yes. I am extremely and utterly so bitter. I feel broken and defeated. I feel cheated from the idea of how my family would look. I feel like my body has completely failed me as a woman.  I feel like everywhere I look is a reminder of what I can’t have. A family of 4,5, heck even 6. A toddler loving on his baby sibling, because at this point mason will be 5+ IF we continue to try. My kids growing up with their friends that are the same age is no longer there because everyone I know is done with two already. The feeling of being done and complete and moving on with our lives isn’t there. So many things that I never thought of. So many things I didn’t even know were important to me. They may sound like dumb things. If we want a baby none of that should matter right?! Well to me, this is our lives. This is what our lives will look like forever. What family vacations will look like. What school life will look like. What being a work at home mom will look like. It affects it all. And although you cannot plan life (as we are surely figuring out), I am heartbroken that our “plan” has been taken away from us.

I have learned a ton about life throughout all of this.  I’ve learned that people you think will be there for you, won’t be. But others that you didn’t expect will be. I’ve learned that you cannot plan a baby. I believe that Mason is a miracle and 100% chose us and was meant for us at that exact time. I’ve learned that life events like this make a marriage stronger in ways you just can’t describe. I’ve learned so much about my body, pregnancies, and unfortunately losses. I’ve learned that sometimes life just freaking sucks and sucks and sucks some more!

But what I’m left with right now is wonder and confusion. Why is this happening to us? Why was it so easy with Mason? What do we do now? Is it something I’m doing wrong? Why is my body failing me? But also why is my body failing me and not letting me know until ultra sounds (seriously I never want to go to another ultra sound again)? Why won’t my body pass these babies on their own if they’re not meant to be mine?

So many questions. So many thoughts. So much heartbreak.

But right now I’ll leave you with this.

Hug your children. Know how special they are. Know they chose you. I cherish my time with Mason so much now. It’s beenjust him and I for almost 4 years now. He’s my buddy and I couldn’t do life without him. And while reading him “Love you Forever” he wipes away my tears, because that’s just the kind hearted boy he is.  He has my whole heart.

And If you are on the same journey as me. I am so sorry. My heart breaks for you. No words matter. What you are going through is real. And raw. And terrible. I’m so incredibly sorry. Just know, as alone as you may feel, you’re not.

Oh and…keep us in your thoughts. We don’t know what is in store for us now. I don’t know if my mind or body can keep going on like this. But I also don’t feel complete. So in general…we just…don’t…know.

Much love

Lost and Confused (send cupcakes)

The Modde Family