This week was exciting to say the least. Like there are no words to express all the feelings and emotions that went through this family.

August 23 was the big day.

One thing you’re going to learn about your mama is I’m an open book. I tell it like it is. I’m too honest for most people. You’ll either love me or hate me for it. But It’s who I am. So please take what I’m about to say for what it’s worth, honesty.

Scared is a complete understanding for how I felt that morning, or heck the many weeks leading up until this day. You see your mama is a huge planner and over analyzes every situation right down to the nitty gritty. You’d think, since I already have a kid, that I would realize by now that life with kids cannot be planned and is full of change, surprise, and the unknown. So I guess I just like to torture myself. I don’t know what it is, just call me crazy.  I’ve always wanted this but being a photographer, I’ve seen a lot of things that have made me want it a lot more. And that is…a baby girl. I want to help her plan her wedding and see the father daughter dance. And watch her become a mom. I want to have spa dates and tutus and nail painting. I want the struggles that moms and daughters have. I want it all. And with all of this comes an insane amount of guilt.

We have tried for years, lost babies and struggled so much. I know that any human should just be happy with whatever they get. Healthy baby = happy right. I know. And yes of course if you turn out to be a boy or two for that matter I will love you just as much as I love your crazy brother but I can say that I would feel like a little something is missing. Some part of my life that I didn’t get to live out. I also knew that if this pregnancy failed or if it is a boy, our family is complete. This mama needs to move forward and love the family we have worked so hard for.

Long story short, I was a nervous mess. I started the day by throwing up and being so anxious. I couldn’t really talk to your Dad or brother. I just needed some quiet time to gather my thoughts about the news we were about to receive.

So we go to the ultra sound office, fill out some paper work and my mind is going a million miles a minute. Not only was I worried that there were two little boys in there (sounds awful even saying it, I know) but with our history every ultra sound brings an immense amount of fear. The few seconds between them grabbing the wand and putting it on my tummy is excruciating to me.

What if there are no heartbeats.

What if I’ve lost one.

I can’t feel them so maybe something is wrong.

The unknown is too much to handle sometimes.

I don’t think this will ever go away. It’s impossible not to feel these things and it’s so so hard on your mamas heart.

But just like that. The wand hit my tummy and there you two were. Swirling around from all the yummy candy I was told to eat. It was unreal to see you again. Because we are so high risk we do get to see you often but I am always amazed at how much you grow between weeks. You look so so real now.

Twin b is laying right on top of twin a. Your head is right on the chest of your sibling. In fact you two were pushing at each other at one point for some extra room. It was pretty cool.

You both have your brothers button nose, big round eyes (from your daddy) and round chubby cheeks (from your mom). You look so much like Mason did when we saw him in my tummy. It was pretty crazy.

Okay okay I’m totally dodging the subject.

It was a bit crazy. Before all of the above happened the ultra sound tech just blurted it right out. No warning or warm up. Nope just blurted it right out instantly.

“Yup, twin b is….A GIRL. Oh and so is the other. YOU’RE HAVING TWO GIRLS!!!”

You have to know that my face is covered in tears right now even writing this down.

TWO GIRLS

TWO

GIRLS

What the actual heck.

She said it so quick but when she said the first one it was like I had conditioned my brain to hear boy so I just said ok next. Like I didn’t even hear what she just said. And then when she said two girls. That was it for me. I have never cried so hard, so fast in my life. I consider myself an emotional person but I don’t cry in front of people very often. There was no holding this back. I just completely bawled.

How is this true. Are you sure. Two girls. What the heck. Is this real life. I need to see vaginas hahah. It was the most unreal feeling I have ever had.

I don’t know what I thought honestly. Most likely I thought it would be a boy and a girl but I didn’t even think I deserved that. So two boys it was in my head.

I swear my whole life just flashed before my eyes. Dresses and room decor. Mason with his sisters. Daddy and his little princesses. Me telling everyone I got my girls. Everything we went through and I got my girls. Not one girl but two girls. So many feelings. No words just tears. So so many tears!!!! Like I just sat there while she looked at everything else. Showed us your adorable faces and cute little toes. And as much as you look like Mason you do look so petite and girly too.

My girls.

And I’m bawling. It’s hard for me to even say it out loud. A huge part of me has gotten so lost in this infertility/miscarriage world we’ve been stuck in for years. I started to lose my self worth and positive thinking was just out the door.  I feel like our lives have been full of sadness and I just didn’t deserve to be happy. And yes I know how awful that sounds. I am happy with two healthy babies in my tummy. Please do not get me wrong. But to have my dreams fulfilled in that instant was just so overwhelming and just so unreal to me.

Gah okay I could go on forever about the millions of  emotions that flood through me at all times but all you need to know is that you both have ten fingers and ten toes and each have a vagina lol.

I love you more then you could ever know and I cannot wait to meet you and hold you in my arms. It can’t come soon enough (sorry to wish it away, I’m just so damn excited)

Xox

My little skittles

Love mom

Oh ps telling everyone was so much fun. As I said, I’m an open book so everyone on the planet knew I wanted a girl. There were a lot of omg’s going on that’s for sure. Your brother I think is coming to terms with it. Although he’s sad he can’t name you Iron Man or the Incredible Hulk anymore but Wonder Woman and Super Girl will just have to do.

Oh and your Dad is over the moon excited. I mean he’s also terrified that he has to deal with two more of me but this is honestly something he has always pictured in his life so he’s very very happy.

Oh and we were too excited this week and forgot to take bump pictures. Large and in charge to say the least. But we had a lot of fun playing with balloons instead.